8th Posting: 15 days in the NICU

Our miracle boy is now two weeks old.  On one hand, it feels like a lifetime since he entered our lives.  On the other, it feels like yesterday.

Luke is...stable, for lack of a better word.  He is definitely living the "two steps forward, one step back" theme of the NICU.  The doctor says his lungs are looking good.  One day this week, his ventilator tube wasn't placed in the proper spot so his left lung had a subtle collapse, but as soon as the tube was fixed, things looked much better.  He also received his first blood transfusion.  There was an ultrasound of his head to recheck for any brain bleeds or abnormalities.  Passed that.  The one test we're waiting on now is an ECG to see if that PDA valve has closed.  I tell you, this boy has taken more tests than a college student and he's got a long way to go!

Gestationally, Luke is 30 weeks.  That means, he'd still be in my tummy if this was a normal  pregnancy.  The problem is, I have a hard time remembering that.  How I'd love to have him home with me.  Going through a pregnancy and having no baby home with you is weird.  Everything around you is demanding attention but you have these battle wounds saying otherwise.  When your baby is with you, that's a great reason to sit and let yourself mend.  You're focusing on this child that wants to be cuddled and in the meantime, your body is healing.  With this situation, my mind is saying I'm supposed to be going at the same rate I was last year.  There is nothing to justify me sitting without producing guilt, so I push my limits.  I keep thinking, "How long before 'take it easy' turns into 'you're being lazy'."  I have no clue.

Bed rest wasn't easy.  I was stripped of what I thought being a wife and a mother was all about.  I went from being a multi-tasker to a highly focused incubator.  Crazily, I find myself missing that simplicity of bed rest.  I knew what I had to do and I did it.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm very happy to be able to move at will again, BUT, I'm having a hard time adapting to the endless list of tasks hurled at me.  I was hoping I'd be able to slow life down once I got home.  I wish I knew how.